The Fast and The Furious
*.2 BM
Starring: Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, Jordana Brewster, Michelle Rodriguez, Matt Schulze, Ted Levine


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Paul Walker is an awful pile of dogshit, and after this hunk of assfuck and The Skulls, he's officially a dealbreaker when it comes to seeing a movie, unless, of course, he's, say, an orc in the "Lord of the Rings" movie that gets offed in the first thirty seconds in a particularly brutal fashion - preferably impaled on something sharp, but I'll settle for something blunt.

I went into this movie expecting it to be nothing more than a lot of VROOM VROOM BIG CARS MEAN BIG PENISES CRASH BANG SEX ZOOMY time silliness. Even so, it still managed to aggravate and annoy. Paul Walker is an undercover cop (automatically a shaky premise because I don't even buy this guy passing a written test to get his driver's license) trying to infiltrate an underground street racing cabal (made all the more sneaky and secretive due to the obnoxious neon-pastel Hot Wheels decals all over every one of these illegal racer cars) to find out who's been hijacking semi trucks on the highway in 'daring, full-speed hijinks.' But he "gets too close" and, oh dear, what side is he on?! He can't betray his new friends! GASP! OH FUCKING NO! WHAT WILL DREAMY ASSHOLE DO?

I don't give a rat's ass. Not only is Paul Walker a half-ass "Saved By The Bell" reject (and since "Saved By The Bell" is half-assed all the way around, Paul Walker is a quarter-assed, and I'd hesitate to even give him that much), but Vin Diesel suddenly burnt up a lot of his Iron Giant points for me. He's still got a small handful of Pitch Black points in the total "benefit of the doubt" package, but damn, doing a movie with Paul Walker is never a good career move.

For a movie with the word "fast" in the title, you'd think they might deliver some dialog with the occasional sense of urgency. Nope, just about every fucking line is delivered as though the entire cast is still learning English, or perhaps relearning how to use their mouth muscles after a debilitating accident of some sort. I have never rooted for a train wreck as hard as I was when these two losers were 'dramatically' racing to beat one. Of course, they BOTH beat it. BECAUSE THEY ARE FAST AND THEY ARE FURIOUS.


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