Commando
**** BM
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Alyssa Milano, Rae Dawn Chong, Bill Duke

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I don't think Arnold Schwarzenegger has made a good movie in his life, but he's made a shitload of fun ones. Although I doubt he'd be happy to know that his most popular movies will probably wind up being considered comedies by most of America. Then again, he seems to have a decent sense of humor.

This time around, his name is John Matrix, and he's a bad-ass that's trying to retire from bad-asshood with his daughter, Alyssa Milano - many years before her "fucking guys that smell neat" commercials. But a bunch of jerks attack him and take his daughter. So he kicks all sorts of ass and destroys an entire terrorist cabal on his own, chopping off people's arms and taking them all on one at a time, like good enemy soldiers usually let rogue renegade bad-asses do.

This wasn't quite the copious fountain of hilariously stupid one-liners like "The Running Man," but it's pretty damn funny, and needless to say I was bellowing in a bad Austrian accent the entire time. Plus, BILL DUKE. Bill Duke being an asshole. I seem to have a hazy recollection of Rae Dawn Chong being an acclaimed actress, but I must be wrong, because I haven't seen her in anything that she didn't suck in. Then again, this is a script that doesn't leave much for anyone else to do but watch helplessly or get their asses kicked.

YAAAH! Who would win in a knock-down drag-out, John Matrix or Ben Richards?

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