Charlie's Angels
***.5 BM
Starring: Lucy Liu, My Girl Drew, Cameron D, Bill Murray, Ladies Love Cool James, Matt LeBlanc, Crispin Glover, Sam Rockwell, Kelly Lynch, Tim Curry, Tom Green, Luke Wilson, John Forsythe


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I didn't want to see this. Then I saw LL Cool J, Bill Murray and Lucy Liu in the previews and I wanted to. Then I saw a cell phone commercial with them in it and then I didn't really want to anymore. But I saw it anyway, because I had a gift certificate to give me a discount.

This is a remake of a 1970s show I never watched, and I don't have that high a tolerance for 70s retro stylization, but there was enough fun to be had in this film that I didn't get all that irritated about all the wipes and cuts and crap that was left behind in that decade for a reason. But let's go through the reasons I wanted to see this, one by one.

LL Cool J - I won't consider this a spoiler, since they showed it in the damn trailers, but LL Cool J's appearance is a small cameo at the beginning - actually Drew Barrymore in disguise. Now, I like me some Drew, but even on her coolest days, she's still a honky to the bone. Even WITH an Uncle L Future of the Funk vocal simulator, she just cannot be as smooth as this man. No slam on her - NO ONE can pull that off. So, not enough LL.

Bill Murray - playing Bosley, the girl's 'bumbling' liaison with anonymous millionaire Charlie that funds all their gadgetry and mission equipment. I'd made the bold prediction that there would not be enough Bill Murray (as there usually isn't when I go to see a movie for a supporting actor), but they actually made some decent use of him, more than I was expecting. And since the movie is called "Charlie's Angels," it was about as much as I could hope for. Could always use more, but I wasn't let down.

Lucy Liu - I don't watch Ally McBeal, but she'd be a reason to. This woman takes the foxy prize. Miss Foxy 2000. Cops might have to issue her citations for Excessive Public Foxiness. Foxy Brown ain't got nothin' on Lucy. Fox-tastic! No wonder her show's on Fox! That Jimi Hendrix song is about this foxy lady! The "Barracuda" scene is especially awash in foxitude. Someone this foxy needs a love interest worthy of that foxiness. Someone you can believe can handle such foxiness. That person is NOT the least impressive "Friend" Matt LeBlanc. True, this is a movie with a lot of unbelievable stuff in it, but this is just going too far. Matt LeBlanc?! Now, I'd believe Drew Barrymore could pull off a disguise as this tool. He should have switched roles with Ladies Love Cool James, and things would have been just fine.

All in all, though, this was a pretty fun flick. The soundtrack had about ten seconds of just about every song ever made. I'd forgotten how buxom Drew Barrymore was, as well. I'd figured that after seeing all of her flowery nice cute girl roles and real life interviews, I'd never be able to buy her as a badass - despite her alcoholic hard-living adolescence and nationally-televised table dancing. But give her ridiculous Jackie Chan/Matrix stuntwork to do and it ain't half bad (although when three 'badass babes' can't take out Crispin Glover... it makes you wonder). The fights are unrealistic, over-the-top and entertaining. Actually, that pretty much describes the whole film.

A little side note, though - let me know if I'm wrong - but isn't something dreadfully wrong with Cameron Diaz's face? I'm not one to go around trashing the way people look, but I don't know what it is - her eyes are too far apart, or her mouth is enormous, or something. She's alternately been attractive and a tad disturbing, and in this film, she's supposed to be the former, but is generally the latter. Someone could be slipping me the crack when I'm sleeping, so I don't know. Just some thoughts.

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