Star Trek: Insurrection
*.5 GM
Starring: Patrick Stewart, Jonathan Frakes, Marina Sirtis, Brent Spiner, Gates McFadden


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Just so everyone knows, I don't think I could be considered a "Trekker/Trekkie/Trekamaniac/Trekophiliac/Guy Who Spends Endless Hours Downloading Naked Gates McFadden Pictures While Neglecting His Minimal Social Skills And Allowing His Personal Hygiene To Atrophy To The Point Of Being Mistaken For A Walrus With Dandruff." However, I enjoy the hell out of Patrick Stewart, I think William Shatner is insane but hilarious, I love Leonard Nimoy because he did a voice in "The Transformers: The Movie," I've seen every Star Trek movie but the first one, I know all the characters, I can't watch Deep Space Nine because I can't handle Avery Brooks' staccato line readings, and I hear there's a sexy Borg person on Voyager but I don't know when it's on.

With all that out of the way, this film did not really feel like a Star Trek movie. Most everyone seemed a bit out of character, and the general intelligent aura that surrounds most things Trek didn't really seem evident. I hate to say it, but I got an eerie sensation that they were trying to capture a bit more of a Star WARS vibe than usual (not that Star Wars ISN'T intelligent... but there's a reason Harrison Ford has vowed not to do another one of those movies).

Hear me out here - they had the adorable, cuddly little caterpillar thing as the child's pet, they had a wide array of different starships and playsets zooming around, not to mention the little beamer-tag drones zipping around like mini-TIE fighters, and just a truckload of laser gun battles that you don't usually get in a Star Trek flick. Then again, we've got Picard (Patrick Stewart) skeezin' on an alien woman, so maybe director Jonathan Frakes was also trying to throw a bit more classic James T. Kirk action into it.

Whatever the case, I can't deny that the movie was fun. The problem is that just 'fun' is not what you go to see a Star Trek movie for. That's what "Armageddon" is for. With Star Trek, you want to THINK a bit more. It's supposed to get you pondering all sorts of high-concept issues and strange quirks about the future you wouldn't normally think about. This was more of a run-of-the-mill action movie than I was looking for. Luckily, I have a switch that can identify this and I usually have no problem flipping it and enjoying the film anyway. Unfortunately, it didn't work with Godzilla, because that was so god-awful putrid and an utter waste of celluloid... but I digress.

Another problem I had with this - I just got the feeling that Frakes threw in a few too many 'cutesy' moments - especially between his Riker and Counselor Troi. As much as I respect the work of Frakes and Marina Sirtis on the Disney cartoon series "Gargoyles," I MUST say that I NEVER want to see the two of them in a bath tub together ever again. GOOD GOD! Maybe I'm just allergic to Frakes, but I almost vomited instantly. At least he's got the decency to wear a turtleneck in this one, so he doesn't look like as much of a goober without his beard as he used to. I just don't want to see Frakes in a bath tub. I was definitely not prepared to have to think of him naked. Gah.

The bottom line is this: "Star Trek: Insurrection" is going to be a Star Trek movie that no one ever thinks about when you mention Star Trek movies.

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