Tomb Raider
** BM
Starring: Angelina Jolie, Jon Voight, Iain Glen, Losers


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Fuck you, jackasses. It's just "Tomb Raider." You don't need to shove "Lara Croft" into the title. This is the kind of stupid thing that makes me angry.

Anyway, I went into this expecting only Angelina Jolie in tight shirts and lots of things blowing up, but it still sucked.

It's a video game movie, an iffy proposition in itself. Then there's the pointless titillation angle of said video game, which makes things even iffier. However, there was the slight potential of having a female Indiana Jones-caliber adventurer, but when commercials for Lara Croft using cell-phones appeared before actual commercials for the film, my expectations were naught to speak of, and then were proven right. The plot is this - Lara Croft is an inexplicably rich woman that likes to be a badass and go on adventures, so she does. She also misses her dead father. That's it.

This might have been acceptable if the dialog was worth a damn, if she had any chemistry with any of the supporting losers, or if there was any real suspense to the action sequences. But alas, since it's a video-game movie with obvious sequel-franchise hopes, there's no suspense to be had, and since titillation was enough to make the video game a phenom, they hoped the same'd go for the movie. These people - the uncharismatic villain, the laughable attempt at a love interest - seem to be straight out of soft-core porn. The sets all look like movie sets or amusement park rides. The nerdy tech sidekick was mildly amusing at best, and that was about it.

Don't bother seeing this.

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