Being John Malkovich
***.5 GM
Starring: John Cusack, John Malkovich, Cameron Diaz, Catherine Keener, Charlie Sheen


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"Can I get some more coffee over here?"

"Okay... okay... I have to finish this screenplay. I have no idea what to write about..."

"Quit whining. Here's an idea... um... okay... uh... There's this puppeteer..."


"Nobody writes movies about puppeteers. We've got a puppeteer. A hairy guy. Played by John Cusack."

"How'm I gonna get John -"

"Shut up, this is genius. John Cusack as a hairy, unemployed puppeteer... and... he's married... to a chick with a pet monkey."

"How about a chimp?

"A chimp IS a monkey."

"No, technically, a chimp is an ape... apes don't have tails. Monkeys do."

"Do you want help or not?"

"I don't know yet. I've never seen Cusack hairy."

"The wife... she's a vet or something, played by a dirtied-up Cameron Diaz, so no one's drooling over her like they did in 'Mary,'... and she's got about five hundred animals all over their crappy little apartment. Birds, snakes, lizards... and the monkey has a diaper on. And needs therapy."

"The chimp..."

"Yeah. Then Hairy Cusack Puppet Man has to get a job to support the monkey, and he gets hired at a place... built for midgets..."

"Little people."

"Shut up. The ceilings are all lowered so all the normal-sized people have to crouch everywhere..."


"It's genius, I say! Then.... while working at the place... he somehow discovers a secret passageway behind a filing cabinet..."

"That goes to a big pirate ship!"

"Moron. Don't get Goonies on me."

"Okay... it's a secret passage to the conservatory, where Martin Mull is hitting Mr. Boddy with a wrench..."

"Quiet, or I'm giving you a swirlie in the toilet."

"Oh, god... I ain't goin' near the bathroom in a Denny's."

"Then shut up and take dictation. The passageway leads to... a big tunnel... and... um... the tunnel goes to..."

"The Temple Of Doom."



"The tunnel... goes to... someone's mind."

"What is this, Innerspace?"

"No. Don't be so concrete in your thinking, kemosabe. They go into the tunnel and they're inside someone else's... JOHN MALKOVICH's body. Not really posessing him... just sorta seeing through him..."

"Uh... John Malkovich."

"'In The Line Of Fire' with Clint Eastwood."

"Ah, that's right. Uh... why him?"

"Why not him? But they can only be John Malkovich for fifteen minutes."


"Enough of your stupid questions! After the fifteen minutes are up... they're deposited on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike."


"Write THAT damn movie, infidel."

"I'll.... try...."

"Shut up, you won't. I'LL write it. It'll be absolute genius."

I agree. This film is one of the most original, insane, ridiculous, funny movies I've ever seen. As evidenced by the above dialog, it was most likely dreamt up at 3AM at a Denny's by a handful of goobers hopped up on caffeine with nothing better to do. Sometimes, this is where genius is spawned. Oftentimes, as I have borne witness to, it's where nonsense is spewed.

What makes this movie, however... two words: Charlie Sheen.

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