Listen up. I advise you to spread the word NOT to go see this cliche-ridden ass of a film that a bunch of CGI monkeys and a couple of no-talent excuses for screenwriters are trying to pass off as a GODZILLA film. Apparently it is too much to ask of Hollywood to hand them an enormous budget and the rights to Godzilla and expect them to do anything worthwhile with it.

Let's get a few things straight about the core concept behind Godzilla and what it should have been. GODZILLA does not have to look like a dinosaur - he is his own species and unique in every way. GODZILLA DOES NOT GET PREGNANT. GODZILLA DOES NOT LAY EGGS. GODZILLA IS ETERNAL - A FORCE OF NATURE THAT DESTROYS HUMAN ARROGANCE.

When I first heard that they were making a big-budget Godzilla film, I rejoiced. I thought 'finally, someone will take the concept behind Godzilla - a fire-breathing monster of unimaginable size that humanity is powerless to stop - and turn it into a hugely satisfying, frightening and terrifying sci-fi horror sort of film by treating the subject seriously for once rather than having people point and laugh at the guy in the suit! Hosanna in the Highest!' It was a chance for true greatness, the opportunity to realize a dream I've had since I was rolling my toy Godzilla with the inexplicable wheels on his feet, the fist that shot off and the flame-tongue that extended when you pushed the lever on his head down my driveway as a young lad. Huge destructive lizards are cool, and this could have one-upped the Jurassic flicks easily! It would have been glorious, I tell you! GLORIOUS!

That's my thing, but hey, some people are different so I attempted to accept their concept (I was actually able to pretty much appreciate their design for him) and at least have fun. This was not to be.

SOME FUCKJOB in upper management seemed to think it was a GOOD idea to have someone swipe a few reels of footage from Jurassic Park and CGI Matthew "I Think I Left My Talent In My Other Pants" Broderick over Sam Neill for an hour and a half in the middle of the goddam movie. What the fuck is this? I paid to see The Lost World last fucking year. I paid to see GODZILLA this year, you fucking morons! There are no baby Godzillas! This is NOT GODZILLA! (Yeah, maybe he had some dumb 'Son Of Godzilla' movie, but that was the old schooler - a guy in a rubber suit. You pretentious fucks said 'ooh, we need our own Godzilla,' creating false hope that you'd take it fucking seriously, and then steal someone ELSE's fucking movie and call it your own, you flaming anuses).

Then, this fuckjob (or a horde of other fuckjobs) thought it would be a GREAT idea to populate the film with a series of Ally McBeal rejects and then spend the entire film REMINDING us why they were rejected. Hank Azaria, Jean Reno, you deserve a much better script. The rest of you - look into the porn industry. At least the Jurassic films killed off a few annoying characters. In this tripe, all of the annoying morons LIVE.

Oh, by the way, apparently a fucking beat-up taxi cab is faster and more maneuverable than a bunch of military helicopters, and it's also apparently the most durable and powerful vehicle in the universe. Helicopters explode with one crunch, but a fuckin' giant lizard chews on a taxi for a while, it can still escape and then OUTRUN a fucking monster with big ass stompin' feet and FIRE BREATH that he NEVER FUCKING USED! This is SUPPOSED to be GODZILLA! He does NOT run from helicopters, he does NOT bleed when shot at by tanks, he does NOT feel the need to hide from anything, he STEPS on things that annoy him and crushes them and he fucking incinerates them when he doesn't feel like walking over to crush them. This fuckin' lizard only sort of belched out some fire at one point and then just spat out some charcoal fumes or something later. What the hell is this? WHO ARE YOU BUTTFUCKS THAT CAN SCREW UP A MOVIE THIS BADLY?

Who here thinks the Brooklyn Bridge would NOT collapse the instant a big fuckin' beast like that starts JOGGING on it? If you do, you're fuckin' stupid.

Listen here, ROLAND, if that is your real name. There's a fine line between homage and rip-off and you apparently were too busy masturbating over your money pile from ID4 to notice. No one give this guy anymore work. Please.

Don't go see this film. This is not Godzilla.


Bitch to me about being this upset at a lizard movie or go back to CriminyPete's Reviews.