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Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
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(movies with aspirations)
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(failures, hootenannies and crap)
"So this is how liberty dies... with thunderous applause."
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The Side Note
Songs Currently Approved by CP and/or Mercilessly Stuck In CP's Head
Everybody Here Wants You
Death Cab for Cutie
Why You'd Want To Live Here
Keep Yourself Alive
Can't Truss It
February 4, 2006:|
Go see "Good Night and Good Luck." C'mon. It's good.
Get Your War On!
THE CRIMINYPETE.COM MISSION STATEMENT:
Here I am, good ol' Criminy Pete, just trying to make an unpretentious, straight-shooting movie-review page without a lot of bells, whistles, frills or even competent HTML. (If "Ain't It Cool News" Boy can get on the Ebert & Douchebag Show with that crap-ass look, the sky's the limit for me.) If the movie is good enough for in-depth analysis, then I go for it... but if it's a goofball fun flick, I'm able to enjoy THOSE, too, as most people should. Admittedly, though, I do get occasionally indignant that the money that went into "Godzilla 98" could feed an entire city block for a year or so. But you can't dwell on that for too long without locking yourself in a closet and weeping for the death of humanity. Seems we're spinning around the drain anyway... and I think we can all agree that it's much easier to ignore problems than it is to deal with them.
The Moron's Guide To The CriminyPete.com Rating Scale
Let me first explain my philosophy on movie reviews. All film criticism is a matter of opinion. I'm not stating facts here, I'm stating my personal reactions (for the most part, as it is incontrovertible fact that Paul Walker and Keanu Reeves are untalented sacks of dogshit). The whole point of checking out "critics" is to find some schmuck out there who has a similar noggin-functionality to yours and thus knowing what recommendations or warnings you can trust over the cacophony of opinionated tools running off at the mouth. I do, however, welcome complaints, arguments, harsh words and violent disagreements, but keep in mind that they won't be taken seriously, only mercilessly mocked, unless they are competently spelled. Run-on sentences, however, will be accepted graciously, as they are obviously favored by your hero, CP.
Here's how my rating scale is going to work. There are good movies and bad movies. A good movie is something like "Life Is Beautiful." That would get four stars on the Good Movie scale - the maximum allotment. However, "Deep Blue Sea" is not trying to be a 'good' movie, it's trying to be fun, and it definitely ISN'T a good movie. It's a Bad Movie. BUT - if there's enough fun to be had in the film, it can get up to four stars on the Bad Movie scale, which means it was a blast (although I'd give that shark movie three stars at the most). Four stars on the Bad Movie scale roughly equals one to one and a half stars on the Good Movie scale, but there are also emotional factors influencing the ratings, and it never equals out appropriately (which is why I wasn't going to incorporate ratings in the first place). Bad Movies are often worth seeing, too. But sometimes, BAD MOVIES ARE BAD MOVIES. Even the ones that try to be good. If they're trying to be good ("The Ninth Gate") and they aren't, they fall down to the Bad Movie scale.
Oh, and I may periodically change my ratings, since I sometimes have to sit a while and stew on a film before I can accurately guage its worth. Especially if it's a good movie that requires some afterthoughts. Yes, I know - it's all highly subjective, but we're dealing with opinions, you'll have that. Also, it seems that a "three-star" rating has become my default rating for "I enjoyed myself while watching it, but it's nothing special." I'm not sure if that's bad or good.
Another few words of warning - I do enjoy the profanity. Hopefully, you'll be able to discern that 'tis not a lack of breadth in the vocabulary that spurs forth the "naughty" words, but rather the effective invective that the use of such "vulgarities" affords me when employed that makes them welcome additions and celebrated members of my aforementioned lexicon. In other words, put the kids to bed if you're bothered by certain combinations from our beloved alphabet.
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Snap Judgments on Upcoming Films
The Dukes of Hazzard:
I was sour on it until I realized it wasn't Ashton Kutcher as Luke and Anthony Anderson as Boss Hogg, but they got BURT GODDAMNED REYNOLDS for Hogg! Watching the preview made me a kid again, and I can't wait to see it.
I like Chris Nolan, and I'm hoping for great, but I have the feeling people are going to like this about as much as they liked the Hulk movie, which wasn't a lot..
It looks neat. I'm just going to be very displeased by Dr. Doom, and probably not to thrilled with Jessica Alba.
Disney's superhero high school. I have mixed feelings, but Kurt Russell in a superhero outfit should be awesome.
War of the Worlds:Tom Cruise and Spielberg, huh? I get the feeling I should be more impressed than I am.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory:
Tim Burton and Johnny Depp gettin' their Wonka on. I'm not really that attached to the Gene Wilder version (although I like it), so my mind'll be open as it can be.
Mr. & Mrs. Smith:
Attractive people trying to kill each other. I'm not sure why I don't buy Angelina Jolie with giant guns anymore.
George A. Romero's Land of the Dead:
The new "Dawn of the Dead" had me dreaming about zombies for days... I'll definitely give this one a chance.
The Pink Panther:
Please, Steve Martin... I want to enjoy you so.
Sorry, Will, not interested in the least.
The 40 Year Old Virgin:
Steve Carell, ladies and gentlemen.
Jennifer Connelly all wet? I'm listening.
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo:
Sigh... the last one was worth about five words. Maybe this one will be better.
Ya got me. It looks much better than it sounded. And Walken.
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